Diary of An Emotional Black Woman

I am enraged, angered and absolutely furious. My blood is boiling!! My heart is heavy, about to explode. I don’t know he got me this way, how he got me feeling helpless, emotional, tearing my hair out!! I hate him with a passion and I am wondering how I ever got to this point.

You know that they say that there’s a thin line between love and hate? Well I’ve definitely learned first hand what that feels like. Another thing? It is absolutely correct when they say that you can only hate someone that you once loved. I don’t think it is possible to hate someone that you never loved. He is the only person I feel this strongly about.

Before I met him, I was actually recovering from a very heartbreaking relationship that I had with a previous lover. I found out that he was in fact getting married and this was without my knowledge, he was still messing around with me even though he was about to engage in a long term commitment with his wife to be. When I met..let’s call him IC. When I met IC shortly after I had ended things with FL, I honestly felt as if it was written in the stars. We bumped into each other at a train station – he noticed me first and I was shocked that he was in the area. We exchanged numbers and later started talking… I thought that this was it – that he was the one. Boy I was wrong! I wrongly determined and concocted in my head a fantasy that did not align with his current thoughts and feelings about the same situation. He did not want to be with me long term – it seemed he just wanted to go with the flow but did not want to be restricted in a relationship. he just wanted to be free to still mess around and have his cake and eat it too.

I always thought that I could win him over, I did the most! I tried to be everything that he wanted me to be but it just was’t enough in the slightest. I started to get more and more insecure with myself  as I was trying to modify the way I did my hair, the clothes that I wore and realising that nothing is enough to grab his attention. I just wanted him to want me and it was proving futile. There was a certain type of woman that he wanted and I was not it. No matter what I tried, nothing worked.

There were times where I felt he was warming up to me and I thought that his feelings were changing but here are some things that I learned about men during this whole ordeal:

  1. If a man wants you, he WILL pursue you. There is no wrong time to have the woman that you want. If he is not chasing or pursuing you, he doesn’t want you! That is it! There are no grey areas
  2. You cannot change a man’s mind. If he really does like you, you will know that he does. You should not be left questioning whether he likes you or not.
  3. You cannot be friends with a man that you like (Visa Versa). Whether you like it or not, you cannot have a friendship with someone that you like. You will always be in the hope that you can be together.
  4. If the man you like breaks your heart once, he can do it again.

My current emotional state is not great but here are some things that I am going to do to get over the affair:

 

  • Keep busy!! and surround myself with people that actually care about me
  • Continue self improvement but do it solely for me and not for anyone else
  • Do not focus on trying to get in a relationship and just be
  • Do not be distracted by any man! Just keep focused on your goals
  • 2018 is all about self care, self growth and self love
  • Stay away from anything that causes me heartbreak.

 

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Random things on my mind 

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1. Why are we obsessed with people that don’t like us as much as we do them? Do I have rejection issues? Do I get a kick out of lot getting what I want? Do I actually like the chase? I mean what is up with that? So many questions….
2. I’m hungry but I don’t know what I want to eat. When you’re starving but you have no appetite for ANYTHING! 

3. That feeling of anxiety you feel when you’re under pressure and you have to hide it from everyone.. Where is an appropriate meme when I need it? 

4. I wanna be in love again… I so love that feeling… 

5. When you want to read but you may have an ADHD condition that prevents you from concentrating. 

No Expectations… No dissapointments 

  

Often, the things we expect lead to dissapointment when they happen unexpectedly. The quote above is kind of a mantra that I have developed somewhat… ‘No expectations, no disappointments.’ This quote can honestly be applied to absolutely anything (and it works!). 

It’s not something that is encouraged but at times, expecting the lowest outcome can produce the most pleasant results when something that happens is above your expectations. I tend to apply this mantra the most with personal relationships. 

I’ve stopped expecting so highly when it comes to people because they will let you down (sometimes at your most neediest). What is to be remembered is that you really have no say on how one conducts themselves, you can influence but if it’s not from their heart, is it really a behaviour that one can adopt? I’ve learned on my journey that the less you expect from someone, the more you will enjoy that relationship. 

For example, if you’re always expecting a phone call or text from somebody, you will be disappointed when that phone call or text does not happen. The next time that you call them, could end up in a bust up or even a little resentment.

So what do you do? 

Don’t expect anyone to do anything for you.

That’s it! 

This mantra is epic because it works! It really does. I’m genuinely surprised when people do certain acts for me and I’m grateful for them when they occur.
Try it today!! 
Xx

My Collection of Shells & Rocks From Brighton Beach 

 
(Image by Danlirose)

I went to Brighton the other day (Shoreham Port) to be exact. I was attracted to the shells and rocks on the shore. I saw unusual shapes of rocks that I have never really seen before and I found it fascinating. So I proceeded to pick up shells of all shapes and sizes to put in the pocket of my hooded jacket.  

I didn’t know why I picked them up. I just have a thing for aesthetics. I’m a Capricorn, so I think my earthly nature attracts me to things washed up by the deepest parts of the sea. 

It makes me want to collect much more things. What other things do people collect?