Diary of An Emotional Black Woman

I am enraged, angered and absolutely furious. My blood is boiling!! My heart is heavy, about to explode. I don’t know he got me this way, how he got me feeling helpless, emotional, tearing my hair out!! I hate him with a passion and I am wondering how I ever got to this point.

You know that they say that there’s a thin line between love and hate? Well I’ve definitely learned first hand what that feels like. Another thing? It is absolutely correct when they say that you can only hate someone that you once loved. I don’t think it is possible to hate someone that you never loved. He is the only person I feel this strongly about.

Before I met him, I was actually recovering from a very heartbreaking relationship that I had with a previous lover. I found out that he was in fact getting married and this was without my knowledge, he was still messing around with me even though he was about to engage in a long term commitment with his wife to be. When I met..let’s call him IC. When I met IC shortly after I had ended things with FL, I honestly felt as if it was written in the stars. We bumped into each other at a train station – he noticed me first and I was shocked that he was in the area. We exchanged numbers and later started talking… I thought that this was it – that he was the one. Boy I was wrong! I wrongly determined and concocted in my head a fantasy that did not align with his current thoughts and feelings about the same situation. He did not want to be with me long term – it seemed he just wanted to go with the flow but did not want to be restricted in a relationship. he just wanted to be free to still mess around and have his cake and eat it too.

I always thought that I could win him over, I did the most! I tried to be everything that he wanted me to be but it just was’t enough in the slightest. I started to get more and more insecure with myself  as I was trying to modify the way I did my hair, the clothes that I wore and realising that nothing is enough to grab his attention. I just wanted him to want me and it was proving futile. There was a certain type of woman that he wanted and I was not it. No matter what I tried, nothing worked.

There were times where I felt he was warming up to me and I thought that his feelings were changing but here are some things that I learned about men during this whole ordeal:

  1. If a man wants you, he WILL pursue you. There is no wrong time to have the woman that you want. If he is not chasing or pursuing you, he doesn’t want you! That is it! There are no grey areas
  2. You cannot change a man’s mind. If he really does like you, you will know that he does. You should not be left questioning whether he likes you or not.
  3. You cannot be friends with a man that you like (Visa Versa). Whether you like it or not, you cannot have a friendship with someone that you like. You will always be in the hope that you can be together.
  4. If the man you like breaks your heart once, he can do it again.

My current emotional state is not great but here are some things that I am going to do to get over the affair:

 

  • Keep busy!! and surround myself with people that actually care about me
  • Continue self improvement but do it solely for me and not for anyone else
  • Do not focus on trying to get in a relationship and just be
  • Do not be distracted by any man! Just keep focused on your goals
  • 2018 is all about self care, self growth and self love
  • Stay away from anything that causes me heartbreak.

 

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