Feeling love, feeling free

  

(Image by Danlirose)

I didn’t think I’d ever fall in love again. After all the heart break that I’ve experienced in the past, I wondered whether I’d ever get that loved up feeling ever again. This was mainly because I have been through the university of love and failed hard in the past. 
Sure, I dated guys but when I met this particular guy, I was completely overwhelmed by how I felt in his presence. It was a different feeling that made me feel like a brand new person / given another chance. It’s still early days but I’m so positive about this new connection. And I know it’s not infatuation because I have learned how to control the feeling. 

I think one of the most important thing in a relationship is that whoever you end up with, should make you want to be your best you. They let you be who you are and the same the other way. 

I understand who he is completely and I accept him for who he is. It’s beautiful. 

I’m going to take my time with this one and embrace every moment that we have together.

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Five times in my life where I nearly gave up…

  

1. When I was in an unhealthy relationship// 

When I was much younger than I am, I was in a very long term relationship. It was my first time being in one and I really thought that we were going to last forever. The funny thing is, a little thing such as physical distance can change all of that. The phone calls were less frequent, the contact was virtually non existent or should I say incredibly one sided. It was almost as if I was begging for his attention. I shouldn’t have to beg – I thought he was mine. However, whilst I was thinking it was the distance and he was at a very important stage at his life. There was something even deeper that I was afraid to admit to myself… He just wasn’t interested anymore. Our relationship was by no means perfect and it had a lot of rocky parts but I thought we were so strong in our love that nothing could shake us. Boy was I wrong. My longing for what we used to have turned into an unhealthy obsession. I kept trying to do things to make him love me harder and he just wasn’t responding or reciprocating. 

When he didn’t give into me, I eventually wanted to end my life. He was my everything and if he wasn’t in my life, I had nothing. I tried everything to get rid of the pain that it was undoubtedly over between us but nothing and I mean nothing worked. Point 5 explains my victory.. 


2. When I thought I was not going to meet my assignments//

The days that I suffered lastminute.com syndrome with my uni work. When that deadline was only a day away and your whole degree depended on it. I used to stress myself like shit but I always ended up meeting the deadline even when the worse amount of work was like 4 in one weekend. 

3. When I had insurmountable debt and I had no money //

There was a time when I was unemployed and looking for work for the longest time. I thought that I was not good enough and that was where I almost wanted to give up. I had no money and I had many outstanding debts that I needed to pay off. After subsequent persistence, I got a volunteering opportunity that eventually led to a job.
4. When I thought I had depression //

After my breakup, I felt as low as fuck. I had no self esteem, I was lonely and I thought that I would never find love again. I may have had depression at time but after reflective thinking, I realised that it may have been my faulty way of viewing the world at the time. One thing I learned from Anthony de Mello’s teachings was that you shouldn’t identify too much with your emotions. Instead of saying ‘I am depressed’ you replace that with ‘depression is passing through me.’ Same goes for everything else. This has really helped me get over many emotional obstacles. 
5. When I thought I wouldn’t get over my ex //

It took me 4 years to fully get over my ex… 4 years! I went through so many stages of grief for that relationship. Days were hard to get through because he truly was the love of my life. 
Towards the end of the 4 years, I received a breakthrough and we became civil and friendly to each other. We even got intimate with each other but guess what? I felt nothing. I never thought I would ever get to that stage. 

Not Looking Back

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I’ve made mistakes in my past but I will not let them hold me back!
I’m looking forwards, not backwards.
You may find yourself holding onto experiences and people in the past. I have personally seen these as a stumbling block to any progression. This is mainly due to the fact that certain behaviour is predicated from bad experiences. This includes; avoidance and inhibiting behaviour.

What you can do today is start afresh and start from the very beginning. Erase the past, as hurtful as this may be to do. Drop your attachments to leeches and energy vampires.

Start being your wonderful, beautiful self again.

If you find yourself falling, pick yourself up and try again but don’t look back!

It’s Been A While…

It's Been A While...

I haven’t blogged for a while and that is mainly because I have been feeling a little uninspired this season. When the sun turns into clouds, it is kind of hard to capture a scene in its true beautiful state. Everything seems bleaker and dark. I have had to adjust to a few new challenges in my life, so the tone of my blog may change. Maybe something inspirational can arise from my dark emotional responses to my current situation. They say people change but they all look the God damn same to me… Just in a different guise. Besides that, I am thankful for the days that I am given on this earth and I hope I turn around my situation for the better.

Feeling Used…

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No-one at any time should be and feel used. It is a horrible realisation when one encounters that someone may be using them for whatever reason. You suddenly feel as if YOU were not of value in the first place, rather, what you could offer them iS the main attraction. It is a horrible feeling that at times we do not want to admit to ourselves but by confessing that we may have put on our rosé coloured glasses to blind from the truth. The ugly truth that may make or break you… Do you stay or do you go?

It is ok to be angry sometimes

It is ok to be angry sometimes

Our emotions can take full control of our beings at times. Sadness can overwhelm us when we have suffered something tragic and happiness can fill our hearts when we experience something positive. Although we have been advised against acting in anger against someone else, I feel that it is healthy to let out anger in a productive way. People have cited drumming, boxing and dancing as a way of channeling their anger into something positive.

So the next time you feel in a predicament, think of ways to channel that anger into a productive activity.