Random things on my mind 

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1. Why are we obsessed with people that don’t like us as much as we do them? Do I have rejection issues? Do I get a kick out of lot getting what I want? Do I actually like the chase? I mean what is up with that? So many questions….
2. I’m hungry but I don’t know what I want to eat. When you’re starving but you have no appetite for ANYTHING! 

3. That feeling of anxiety you feel when you’re under pressure and you have to hide it from everyone.. Where is an appropriate meme when I need it? 

4. I wanna be in love again… I so love that feeling… 

5. When you want to read but you may have an ADHD condition that prevents you from concentrating. 

Feeling love, feeling free

  

(Image by Danlirose)

I didn’t think I’d ever fall in love again. After all the heart break that I’ve experienced in the past, I wondered whether I’d ever get that loved up feeling ever again. This was mainly because I have been through the university of love and failed hard in the past. 
Sure, I dated guys but when I met this particular guy, I was completely overwhelmed by how I felt in his presence. It was a different feeling that made me feel like a brand new person / given another chance. It’s still early days but I’m so positive about this new connection. And I know it’s not infatuation because I have learned how to control the feeling. 

I think one of the most important thing in a relationship is that whoever you end up with, should make you want to be your best you. They let you be who you are and the same the other way. 

I understand who he is completely and I accept him for who he is. It’s beautiful. 

I’m going to take my time with this one and embrace every moment that we have together.

Five times in my life where I nearly gave up…

  

1. When I was in an unhealthy relationship// 

When I was much younger than I am, I was in a very long term relationship. It was my first time being in one and I really thought that we were going to last forever. The funny thing is, a little thing such as physical distance can change all of that. The phone calls were less frequent, the contact was virtually non existent or should I say incredibly one sided. It was almost as if I was begging for his attention. I shouldn’t have to beg – I thought he was mine. However, whilst I was thinking it was the distance and he was at a very important stage at his life. There was something even deeper that I was afraid to admit to myself… He just wasn’t interested anymore. Our relationship was by no means perfect and it had a lot of rocky parts but I thought we were so strong in our love that nothing could shake us. Boy was I wrong. My longing for what we used to have turned into an unhealthy obsession. I kept trying to do things to make him love me harder and he just wasn’t responding or reciprocating. 

When he didn’t give into me, I eventually wanted to end my life. He was my everything and if he wasn’t in my life, I had nothing. I tried everything to get rid of the pain that it was undoubtedly over between us but nothing and I mean nothing worked. Point 5 explains my victory.. 


2. When I thought I was not going to meet my assignments//

The days that I suffered lastminute.com syndrome with my uni work. When that deadline was only a day away and your whole degree depended on it. I used to stress myself like shit but I always ended up meeting the deadline even when the worse amount of work was like 4 in one weekend. 

3. When I had insurmountable debt and I had no money //

There was a time when I was unemployed and looking for work for the longest time. I thought that I was not good enough and that was where I almost wanted to give up. I had no money and I had many outstanding debts that I needed to pay off. After subsequent persistence, I got a volunteering opportunity that eventually led to a job.
4. When I thought I had depression //

After my breakup, I felt as low as fuck. I had no self esteem, I was lonely and I thought that I would never find love again. I may have had depression at time but after reflective thinking, I realised that it may have been my faulty way of viewing the world at the time. One thing I learned from Anthony de Mello’s teachings was that you shouldn’t identify too much with your emotions. Instead of saying ‘I am depressed’ you replace that with ‘depression is passing through me.’ Same goes for everything else. This has really helped me get over many emotional obstacles. 
5. When I thought I wouldn’t get over my ex //

It took me 4 years to fully get over my ex… 4 years! I went through so many stages of grief for that relationship. Days were hard to get through because he truly was the love of my life. 
Towards the end of the 4 years, I received a breakthrough and we became civil and friendly to each other. We even got intimate with each other but guess what? I felt nothing. I never thought I would ever get to that stage. 

The Dark Side of Me

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I’m not a nice girl. I have a dark side. This image that I present to you has been majorly edited.

I want to be honest and say that I am a nice person but the truth is, I have a lot to learn. I make mistakes on a daily basis. I lie to myself and others all the time. They ask me ‘are you ok?’ And I say ‘yeah, I’m great’. I’m lying.

I’m still trying to discover who this girl is.

I wake up every morning and see it as a chance to reset and refresh. I promise myself not to feel guilty for being me. It just happens that being me can be a problem for other people.

I have messed up views about a lot of things. I dare not say how I really feel in public otherwise I will be isolated and ostracised.

The dark side of me lingers in the shadows. It is suppressed under a layer of candy floss and bubblegum. I’m polite and considerate but sometimes I want to be uncensored. I want to scream obscenities at the people that annoy me. I want to say how I really feel to people that claim to love me.

I’m a reserved person but I’m sure my programming will break down very soon. They say that people start to rebel around this age (27).

I really hope I don’t go crazy and let this dark side slip. On the other hand, it may be good for me.

Not Looking Back

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I’ve made mistakes in my past but I will not let them hold me back!
I’m looking forwards, not backwards.
You may find yourself holding onto experiences and people in the past. I have personally seen these as a stumbling block to any progression. This is mainly due to the fact that certain behaviour is predicated from bad experiences. This includes; avoidance and inhibiting behaviour.

What you can do today is start afresh and start from the very beginning. Erase the past, as hurtful as this may be to do. Drop your attachments to leeches and energy vampires.

Start being your wonderful, beautiful self again.

If you find yourself falling, pick yourself up and try again but don’t look back!