Diary of An Emotional Black Woman

I am enraged, angered and absolutely furious. My blood is boiling!! My heart is heavy, about to explode. I don’t know he got me this way, how he got me feeling helpless, emotional, tearing my hair out!! I hate him with a passion and I am wondering how I ever got to this point.

You know that they say that there’s a thin line between love and hate? Well I’ve definitely learned first hand what that feels like. Another thing? It is absolutely correct when they say that you can only hate someone that you once loved. I don’t think it is possible to hate someone that you never loved. He is the only person I feel this strongly about.

Before I met him, I was actually recovering from a very heartbreaking relationship that I had with a previous lover. I found out that he was in fact getting married and this was without my knowledge, he was still messing around with me even though he was about to engage in a long term commitment with his wife to be. When I met..let’s call him IC. When I met IC shortly after I had ended things with FL, I honestly felt as if it was written in the stars. We bumped into each other at a train station – he noticed me first and I was shocked that he was in the area. We exchanged numbers and later started talking… I thought that this was it – that he was the one. Boy I was wrong! I wrongly determined and concocted in my head a fantasy that did not align with his current thoughts and feelings about the same situation. He did not want to be with me long term – it seemed he just wanted to go with the flow but did not want to be restricted in a relationship. he just wanted to be free to still mess around and have his cake and eat it too.

I always thought that I could win him over, I did the most! I tried to be everything that he wanted me to be but it just was’t enough in the slightest. I started to get more and more insecure with myself  as I was trying to modify the way I did my hair, the clothes that I wore and realising that nothing is enough to grab his attention. I just wanted him to want me and it was proving futile. There was a certain type of woman that he wanted and I was not it. No matter what I tried, nothing worked.

There were times where I felt he was warming up to me and I thought that his feelings were changing but here are some things that I learned about men during this whole ordeal:

  1. If a man wants you, he WILL pursue you. There is no wrong time to have the woman that you want. If he is not chasing or pursuing you, he doesn’t want you! That is it! There are no grey areas
  2. You cannot change a man’s mind. If he really does like you, you will know that he does. You should not be left questioning whether he likes you or not.
  3. You cannot be friends with a man that you like (Visa Versa). Whether you like it or not, you cannot have a friendship with someone that you like. You will always be in the hope that you can be together.
  4. If the man you like breaks your heart once, he can do it again.

My current emotional state is not great but here are some things that I am going to do to get over the affair:

 

  • Keep busy!! and surround myself with people that actually care about me
  • Continue self improvement but do it solely for me and not for anyone else
  • Do not focus on trying to get in a relationship and just be
  • Do not be distracted by any man! Just keep focused on your goals
  • 2018 is all about self care, self growth and self love
  • Stay away from anything that causes me heartbreak.

 

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Random things on my mind 

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1. Why are we obsessed with people that don’t like us as much as we do them? Do I have rejection issues? Do I get a kick out of lot getting what I want? Do I actually like the chase? I mean what is up with that? So many questions….
2. I’m hungry but I don’t know what I want to eat. When you’re starving but you have no appetite for ANYTHING! 

3. That feeling of anxiety you feel when you’re under pressure and you have to hide it from everyone.. Where is an appropriate meme when I need it? 

4. I wanna be in love again… I so love that feeling… 

5. When you want to read but you may have an ADHD condition that prevents you from concentrating. 

No Expectations… No dissapointments 

  

Often, the things we expect lead to dissapointment when they happen unexpectedly. The quote above is kind of a mantra that I have developed somewhat… ‘No expectations, no disappointments.’ This quote can honestly be applied to absolutely anything (and it works!). 

It’s not something that is encouraged but at times, expecting the lowest outcome can produce the most pleasant results when something that happens is above your expectations. I tend to apply this mantra the most with personal relationships. 

I’ve stopped expecting so highly when it comes to people because they will let you down (sometimes at your most neediest). What is to be remembered is that you really have no say on how one conducts themselves, you can influence but if it’s not from their heart, is it really a behaviour that one can adopt? I’ve learned on my journey that the less you expect from someone, the more you will enjoy that relationship. 

For example, if you’re always expecting a phone call or text from somebody, you will be disappointed when that phone call or text does not happen. The next time that you call them, could end up in a bust up or even a little resentment.

So what do you do? 

Don’t expect anyone to do anything for you.

That’s it! 

This mantra is epic because it works! It really does. I’m genuinely surprised when people do certain acts for me and I’m grateful for them when they occur.
Try it today!! 
Xx

Feeling love, feeling free

  

(Image by Danlirose)

I didn’t think I’d ever fall in love again. After all the heart break that I’ve experienced in the past, I wondered whether I’d ever get that loved up feeling ever again. This was mainly because I have been through the university of love and failed hard in the past. 
Sure, I dated guys but when I met this particular guy, I was completely overwhelmed by how I felt in his presence. It was a different feeling that made me feel like a brand new person / given another chance. It’s still early days but I’m so positive about this new connection. And I know it’s not infatuation because I have learned how to control the feeling. 

I think one of the most important thing in a relationship is that whoever you end up with, should make you want to be your best you. They let you be who you are and the same the other way. 

I understand who he is completely and I accept him for who he is. It’s beautiful. 

I’m going to take my time with this one and embrace every moment that we have together.

Five times in my life where I nearly gave up…

  

1. When I was in an unhealthy relationship// 

When I was much younger than I am, I was in a very long term relationship. It was my first time being in one and I really thought that we were going to last forever. The funny thing is, a little thing such as physical distance can change all of that. The phone calls were less frequent, the contact was virtually non existent or should I say incredibly one sided. It was almost as if I was begging for his attention. I shouldn’t have to beg – I thought he was mine. However, whilst I was thinking it was the distance and he was at a very important stage at his life. There was something even deeper that I was afraid to admit to myself… He just wasn’t interested anymore. Our relationship was by no means perfect and it had a lot of rocky parts but I thought we were so strong in our love that nothing could shake us. Boy was I wrong. My longing for what we used to have turned into an unhealthy obsession. I kept trying to do things to make him love me harder and he just wasn’t responding or reciprocating. 

When he didn’t give into me, I eventually wanted to end my life. He was my everything and if he wasn’t in my life, I had nothing. I tried everything to get rid of the pain that it was undoubtedly over between us but nothing and I mean nothing worked. Point 5 explains my victory.. 


2. When I thought I was not going to meet my assignments//

The days that I suffered lastminute.com syndrome with my uni work. When that deadline was only a day away and your whole degree depended on it. I used to stress myself like shit but I always ended up meeting the deadline even when the worse amount of work was like 4 in one weekend. 

3. When I had insurmountable debt and I had no money //

There was a time when I was unemployed and looking for work for the longest time. I thought that I was not good enough and that was where I almost wanted to give up. I had no money and I had many outstanding debts that I needed to pay off. After subsequent persistence, I got a volunteering opportunity that eventually led to a job.
4. When I thought I had depression //

After my breakup, I felt as low as fuck. I had no self esteem, I was lonely and I thought that I would never find love again. I may have had depression at time but after reflective thinking, I realised that it may have been my faulty way of viewing the world at the time. One thing I learned from Anthony de Mello’s teachings was that you shouldn’t identify too much with your emotions. Instead of saying ‘I am depressed’ you replace that with ‘depression is passing through me.’ Same goes for everything else. This has really helped me get over many emotional obstacles. 
5. When I thought I wouldn’t get over my ex //

It took me 4 years to fully get over my ex… 4 years! I went through so many stages of grief for that relationship. Days were hard to get through because he truly was the love of my life. 
Towards the end of the 4 years, I received a breakthrough and we became civil and friendly to each other. We even got intimate with each other but guess what? I felt nothing. I never thought I would ever get to that stage. 

I’m suffering a major bout of writer’s block

 

It’s hard to admit the reality in the subject heading but the truth is that for a couple of years now, I have suffered a major episode of writer’s block. See, I didn’t know why I was finding it so difficult to come up with creative ideas and topics to write about until I had an epiphany. I used to write in my diary every single day – there, I would pour out all my pent up feelings on a variety of pages. Nobody was ever going to read it but I was myself. I was being 100% real about EVERYONE and EVERYTHING. I was looking back at my ‘secret diaries’ and laughing page after page at that writer that once was.

Here, I feel a bit censored and restrained. I cannot say certain things with a fear that someone who the post may be about may be reading it. The embarrassment, the shame of being found out would be on my mind. Thus beginning my downfall into a negative block in my mind.
I would find that I had nothing to write about. Nothing passionate enough to keep me writing and writing. I consider myself quite an intelligent person and I used to be able to convey that in many aspects. My commonplace when I was younger was drawing pictures, colouring outside of the lines, sewing and putting creations together, writing songs, composing music. I itched of creativity in every way. However, recently I have suffered greatly from the lack of inspiration around me even though I claim to be inspired every day. I feeling energised by other people’s productions but when it comes to putting pen to paper (or the lack thereof), there is an incredible anomaly.

Another reason that I feel that I have been losing points in my writing is that my ex partner was sort of my muse. When we broke up it was an extremely tumultuous time for me. I broke down and all the pain that I had translated into something that was unproductive and dark. I had lost all my power and again lost my vision of some sorts.

I really want to change this aspect in my life. I have begun to read with purpose. I believe that reading and reading with purpose are two different things. I want to be able to sit down and lose this ACD (Attentive Concentration Disorder) that I have developed. This is literally where I would have my TV, my phone and my iPad on all at the same time doing various functions. This is the first time in a long time that I have actually sat down and focused on one activity without flicking through tabs and checking my phone to see my messages. I actually feel good that I have been able to concentrate. One thing with me is that I have issues with focus. I get distracted so easily and I let this dilute the quality of what I’m really trying to say.

I used to be able to focus on one activity for hours and hours; Reading, composing a song, creating an outfit or craft. This is not true for today. However, it is never too late to break a habit and develop a good one.

Linda L

aka DanliRose

xxx