Feeling love, feeling free

  

(Image by Danlirose)

I didn’t think I’d ever fall in love again. After all the heart break that I’ve experienced in the past, I wondered whether I’d ever get that loved up feeling ever again. This was mainly because I have been through the university of love and failed hard in the past. 
Sure, I dated guys but when I met this particular guy, I was completely overwhelmed by how I felt in his presence. It was a different feeling that made me feel like a brand new person / given another chance. It’s still early days but I’m so positive about this new connection. And I know it’s not infatuation because I have learned how to control the feeling. 

I think one of the most important thing in a relationship is that whoever you end up with, should make you want to be your best you. They let you be who you are and the same the other way. 

I understand who he is completely and I accept him for who he is. It’s beautiful. 

I’m going to take my time with this one and embrace every moment that we have together.

Five times in my life where I nearly gave up…

  

1. When I was in an unhealthy relationship// 

When I was much younger than I am, I was in a very long term relationship. It was my first time being in one and I really thought that we were going to last forever. The funny thing is, a little thing such as physical distance can change all of that. The phone calls were less frequent, the contact was virtually non existent or should I say incredibly one sided. It was almost as if I was begging for his attention. I shouldn’t have to beg – I thought he was mine. However, whilst I was thinking it was the distance and he was at a very important stage at his life. There was something even deeper that I was afraid to admit to myself… He just wasn’t interested anymore. Our relationship was by no means perfect and it had a lot of rocky parts but I thought we were so strong in our love that nothing could shake us. Boy was I wrong. My longing for what we used to have turned into an unhealthy obsession. I kept trying to do things to make him love me harder and he just wasn’t responding or reciprocating. 

When he didn’t give into me, I eventually wanted to end my life. He was my everything and if he wasn’t in my life, I had nothing. I tried everything to get rid of the pain that it was undoubtedly over between us but nothing and I mean nothing worked. Point 5 explains my victory.. 


2. When I thought I was not going to meet my assignments//

The days that I suffered lastminute.com syndrome with my uni work. When that deadline was only a day away and your whole degree depended on it. I used to stress myself like shit but I always ended up meeting the deadline even when the worse amount of work was like 4 in one weekend. 

3. When I had insurmountable debt and I had no money //

There was a time when I was unemployed and looking for work for the longest time. I thought that I was not good enough and that was where I almost wanted to give up. I had no money and I had many outstanding debts that I needed to pay off. After subsequent persistence, I got a volunteering opportunity that eventually led to a job.
4. When I thought I had depression //

After my breakup, I felt as low as fuck. I had no self esteem, I was lonely and I thought that I would never find love again. I may have had depression at time but after reflective thinking, I realised that it may have been my faulty way of viewing the world at the time. One thing I learned from Anthony de Mello’s teachings was that you shouldn’t identify too much with your emotions. Instead of saying ‘I am depressed’ you replace that with ‘depression is passing through me.’ Same goes for everything else. This has really helped me get over many emotional obstacles. 
5. When I thought I wouldn’t get over my ex //

It took me 4 years to fully get over my ex… 4 years! I went through so many stages of grief for that relationship. Days were hard to get through because he truly was the love of my life. 
Towards the end of the 4 years, I received a breakthrough and we became civil and friendly to each other. We even got intimate with each other but guess what? I felt nothing. I never thought I would ever get to that stage. 

Moonlight blues….

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Dear you,

There are nights when I sit alone and ponder… The breakup was hard on me but I survived. I still miss you very much but not in the same way that I once did. You see I didn’t understand the power within me. I didn’t realise that when you left me, it was the best day of my life – I did not know this at the time. It forced myself to get to know that person that I thought I had met – myself. I thought I loved you but I was obsessed. I thought I couldn’t live without you, but I was obsessed. This was the fakest shit but I didn’t know the force of this dark grip on my life.

Today, I feel like I wanna sit down and talk to you. I know you wouldn’t… It’s painful to go back. I just wanted to tell you that I value the time we shared. It wasn’t for nothing. I learned a lot from you – about myself.

I wish you all the best in your present and future life.

I’m never going to stop the passion that I have for love and life. Neither should you.

Love me,

I love to Sleep – So Shoot Me

No doubt, I’m having a sexy fxcking relationship with my bed. I love her and she loves me (and yes it’s a she). I love to sleep. I love the feeling I get when I snuggle under the covers and surround myself with bosoms of pillows. I took a holiday from work just to sleep. I always feel relaxed and refreshed when I sleep in the day. I can’t lie. I dream all sorts of craziness when I’m in bed and when I wake I have a genuine WTF moment… But I love it! People say that lazy peoeple sleep… Yeah and I’m one of them. I work hard but I also sleep hard. At times I felt like I wasn’t spending enough time with my girl but this week has been the best! I slept with her more than once in a day.. She is so good to me. 

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