Five times in my life where I nearly gave up…

  

1. When I was in an unhealthy relationship// 

When I was much younger than I am, I was in a very long term relationship. It was my first time being in one and I really thought that we were going to last forever. The funny thing is, a little thing such as physical distance can change all of that. The phone calls were less frequent, the contact was virtually non existent or should I say incredibly one sided. It was almost as if I was begging for his attention. I shouldn’t have to beg – I thought he was mine. However, whilst I was thinking it was the distance and he was at a very important stage at his life. There was something even deeper that I was afraid to admit to myself… He just wasn’t interested anymore. Our relationship was by no means perfect and it had a lot of rocky parts but I thought we were so strong in our love that nothing could shake us. Boy was I wrong. My longing for what we used to have turned into an unhealthy obsession. I kept trying to do things to make him love me harder and he just wasn’t responding or reciprocating. 

When he didn’t give into me, I eventually wanted to end my life. He was my everything and if he wasn’t in my life, I had nothing. I tried everything to get rid of the pain that it was undoubtedly over between us but nothing and I mean nothing worked. Point 5 explains my victory.. 


2. When I thought I was not going to meet my assignments//

The days that I suffered lastminute.com syndrome with my uni work. When that deadline was only a day away and your whole degree depended on it. I used to stress myself like shit but I always ended up meeting the deadline even when the worse amount of work was like 4 in one weekend. 

3. When I had insurmountable debt and I had no money //

There was a time when I was unemployed and looking for work for the longest time. I thought that I was not good enough and that was where I almost wanted to give up. I had no money and I had many outstanding debts that I needed to pay off. After subsequent persistence, I got a volunteering opportunity that eventually led to a job.
4. When I thought I had depression //

After my breakup, I felt as low as fuck. I had no self esteem, I was lonely and I thought that I would never find love again. I may have had depression at time but after reflective thinking, I realised that it may have been my faulty way of viewing the world at the time. One thing I learned from Anthony de Mello’s teachings was that you shouldn’t identify too much with your emotions. Instead of saying ‘I am depressed’ you replace that with ‘depression is passing through me.’ Same goes for everything else. This has really helped me get over many emotional obstacles. 
5. When I thought I wouldn’t get over my ex //

It took me 4 years to fully get over my ex… 4 years! I went through so many stages of grief for that relationship. Days were hard to get through because he truly was the love of my life. 
Towards the end of the 4 years, I received a breakthrough and we became civil and friendly to each other. We even got intimate with each other but guess what? I felt nothing. I never thought I would ever get to that stage. 

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My April Favourite Books

1. We Should All Be Feminists// Chimamanda Ngozi Adiche – This is an inspirational short read about why we should all be feminists. Beautifully written.

2. The Little Book of Confidence// Susan Jeffers – This book is literally so tiny and therefore easy to pop in your bag when you need a hit of motivation for the day. It is a book that you can read over and over again for that little bit of advice that you need to be able to tackle the day.

3. Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff// Richard Carlson – This is my all time favourite self help book. I always find myself coming back to the book over and over because the message that the author postulates is a question that I will always remember whenever I start to worry… “will it matter in five years?” and the answer is always always ‘no!’. So don’t sweat the small stuff because it really doesn’t matter in the bigger scheme of things.

4. Change your Thoughts, Change your Life // Wayne Dyer – I haven’t finished reading this as of yet but I am loving this! You can change your world if you change the way you think. Easier said than done but it gives you the fundamentals as to how to achieve this.

10 Weird Facts about Myself

Image by Danlirose

1. I eat breakfast at various times of the day

2. I like to scrunch my Cornflakes into extremely small pieces so it’s almost powder like

3. I have to eat ice cream after every spicy meal

4. I talk to myself in the mirror…(a lot)

5. I can eat a whole pack of Tic Tacs in one go

6. Oh yeah.. I like to put bits of coffee grain in my Cornflakes

7. I like to read books backwards

8. I sleep before I read a book

9. I hate texting people first

10. I like collecting notebooks

Why I Enjoy Binge-watching 

 Image by Danlirose  

My ultimate hobby is to binge-watch new TV shows (some old). Binge-watching has become somewhat of phenomena since the existence of Netflix. It is essentially marathon watching of a TV show  (e.g. A whole season of Game of Thrones).

For me personally, gone are the days when I’d wait week upon week for the development of a show. Why wait when you can watch it all in one?

My first experience of binge watching was with the show ‘Heroes’ (in the early 00s)  It was an epic watch. My ex boyfriend brought his hard drive of the first season of the show round my house at 11am and we must’ve spent the next 24 hours continuously until we finished the whole thing. It was the day I popped my binge watching cherry and a monster was created.

The best kind of shows to binge watch are the big ones such as; Game of Thrones, The Walking Dead, Breaking Bad, Dexter, 24.. The reason being that they will leave you wanting more with every episode. This is the whole point of marathon watching.

The disadvantages of binge watching are the constant shakes after watching 12 episodes back to back. The longing that you feel after you’ve exhausted an entire series. In addition, the feeling that you have wasted your entire 2 days for nothing but to join in with the topic of conversation.

I’d never stop though.. It’s always worth it. If there is a show that I’m not getting into, I simply stop watching. I’m not really going to waste my time with nonsense waste of time shows.

My Rules for Living (Some of them) 

   
                       Image by Danlirose
 
 
1.  Learn how to make your favourite restaurant dishes, even if they don’t taste as good as the original.
2. Know when to move on
3. Be like water flowing effortlessly through your environment
4. Be very picky when choosing friends
5. You should not expect something from cheap people
6. Make yourself a brand
7. Realise happiness is not something you obtain
8. Do not let fear dictate your life
9. Manage your expectations
10. Never let them see you sweat
 
11. Quit planning and just take action
12. Make someone’s day everyday
13. Find one good thing about everyday
14. Remain in love everyday with yourself and find new ways to love yourself everyday
15. Once a year, go somewhere you’ve never been before
16. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer
17. Recognise that if something is a struggle or challenging, then it’s causing growth
18. When you help others you help yourself 
 

Life is Sweet (but there are sour parts)

I’ve been through many trials and tribulations this year already. I have been the least productive that I have ever been. I have been the least inspired that I have ever been.  This year has started off rocky for me but the second quarter of the year is already becoming better. I’ve managed to secure a promotion at work and I am excited and scared at the same time. I’m frightened that I may not be able to rise up to the role. All eyes are on me now and I pretty much shy away from the spotlight. I keep remembering how inspired by creativity that I used to be. I used to create music, write songs, paint with watercolours, write poetry… somehow all that stopped when I started full time work. My thirst to create and produce original pieces was my main priority and I really want to get back to that place.

I even suffer with bouts of writer’s block and this prevents me from blogging on the regular. Now that I have a few days off, I am going to find that place.