It’s hard to admit the reality in the subject heading but the truth is that for a couple of years now, I have suffered a major episode of writer’s block. See, I didn’t know why I was finding it so difficult to come up with creative ideas and topics to write about until I had an epiphany. I used to write in my diary every single day – there, I would pour out all my pent up feelings on a variety of pages. Nobody was ever going to read it but I was myself. I was being 100% real about EVERYONE and EVERYTHING. I was looking back at my ‘secret diaries’ and laughing page after page at that writer that once was.
Here, I feel a bit censored and restrained. I cannot say certain things with a fear that someone who the post may be about may be reading it. The embarrassment, the shame of being found out would be on my mind. Thus beginning my downfall into a negative block in my mind.
I would find that I had nothing to write about. Nothing passionate enough to keep me writing and writing. I consider myself quite an intelligent person and I used to be able to convey that in many aspects. My commonplace when I was younger was drawing pictures, colouring outside of the lines, sewing and putting creations together, writing songs, composing music. I itched of creativity in every way. However, recently I have suffered greatly from the lack of inspiration around me even though I claim to be inspired every day. I feeling energised by other people’s productions but when it comes to putting pen to paper (or the lack thereof), there is an incredible anomaly.
Another reason that I feel that I have been losing points in my writing is that my ex partner was sort of my muse. When we broke up it was an extremely tumultuous time for me. I broke down and all the pain that I had translated into something that was unproductive and dark. I had lost all my power and again lost my vision of some sorts.
I really want to change this aspect in my life. I have begun to read with purpose. I believe that reading and reading with purpose are two different things. I want to be able to sit down and lose this ACD (Attentive Concentration Disorder) that I have developed. This is literally where I would have my TV, my phone and my iPad on all at the same time doing various functions. This is the first time in a long time that I have actually sat down and focused on one activity without flicking through tabs and checking my phone to see my messages. I actually feel good that I have been able to concentrate. One thing with me is that I have issues with focus. I get distracted so easily and I let this dilute the quality of what I’m really trying to say.
I used to be able to focus on one activity for hours and hours; Reading, composing a song, creating an outfit or craft. This is not true for today. However, it is never too late to break a habit and develop a good one.